26th September

Tess x

Grumpy Old Woman

I think anyone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness will understand when I say that some days are ‘crying days’. I have had a couple of such days this week. Typically they start with the 3am gremlins and then the crying starts. Nothing helps to alleviate the negative feelings, it is something you just have to get through. On such days I hate the person I see looking back at me in the mirror – skinny, wrinkled, grey curly hair – this is not me. I hate the inability to plan more than a few weeks at a time – we live from scan to scan never knowing if the disease is progressing or not. I hate losing my independence – little by little. I hate not being able to take our holidays abroad – no airline will take me with a chest drain. I hate it that my eyesight is deteriorating due to steroid/chemo use. I hate it that Alan has to live through these days as well. This week he has been counselling and handing out Kleenex and hugs in abundance. I hate how these days that turn me in to a grumpy old woman!

I make no apology for the negativity expressed today but I hate this disease! It is not possible for me to feel positive and up-beat all the time, perhaps some people are made of sterner stuff.

What better way to move on than to spend the weekend in the company of our gorgeous grandson. I have played ‘Dancing Dinosaurs’ (with sound effects) , ‘Let’s hide Nanna’s bracelet’ and I have had to wear a cowboy hat. I then had a ‘chat’ with our lovely granddaughter in Toronto via Skype. I am so blessed to have these little people in my life to keep me sane and focussed.

Can you see Nanna's bracelet?

So into a new week and feeling more positive. Tess x