Monday, 24 September 2012

Grumpy Old Woman

I think anyone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness will understand when I say that some days are ‘crying days’. I have had a couple of such days this week. Typically they start with the 3am gremlins and then the crying starts. Nothing helps to alleviate the negative feelings, it is something you just have to get through. On such days I hate the person I see looking back at me in the mirror – skinny, wrinkled, grey curly hair – this is not me. I hate the inability to plan more than a few weeks at a time – we live from scan to scan never knowing if the disease is progressing or not. I hate losing my independence – little by little. I hate not being able to take our holidays abroad – no airline will take me with a chest drain. I hate it that my eyesight is deteriorating due to steroid/chemo use. I hate it that Alan has to live through these days as well. This week he has been counselling and handing out Kleenex and hugs in abundance. I hate how these days that turn me in to a grumpy old woman!

I make no apology for the negativity expressed today but I hate this disease! It is not possible for me to feel positive and up-beat all the time, perhaps some people are made of sterner stuff.

What better way to move on than to spend the weekend in the company of our gorgeous grandson. I have played ‘Dancing Dinosaurs’ (with sound effects) , ‘Let’s hide Nanna’s bracelet’ and I have had to wear a cowboy hat. I then had a ‘chat’ with our lovely granddaughter in Toronto via Skype. I am so blessed to have these little people in my life to keep me sane and focussed.

Can you see Nanna's bracelet?

So into a new week and feeling more positive. Tess x


  1. Glad to hear that Ethan and Lilah have helped banish the horrible gremlins Tess. Sometimes its good to have a weep and /or a good rant and let all the negativity out so you can dust yourself off and start thinking more positively.
    love, hugs and positive vibes as always my friend
    Claire xx

  2. Tess I am glad that your two little stars have helped to lift your mood, you are indeed lucky to have such a family.

    i hope the gremlins stay away for quite a while longer now and you are able to face the coming weeks with more positivity.

    Hugs and love
    Jenny xx

  3. Someone wrote "how we will recognise the good days, if we never have bad days". I remind myself of whenever we have a bad day. We all have them, Tess. It's OK. It's allowed. Crying is a great way to relieve stress and open the emotional tap. Then something happens to remind us of the good things - playing with grandchildren, seeing something beautiful, hearing uplifting music, a kiss, a cuddle a laugh and you turn the corner and carry on like you have done.....Wish I was a fly on the wall when you were a dancing dinosaur :-) love Linda and Steve x

  4. Tess - when you feel like this you have to let it out - and this blog is one of the ways you can do this - so don't apologise for sharing your 'bad thoughts' as well as sharing the good things - like the time you spend with and talking to your lovely grandchildren and your family. Rant if you want to - as much as you like.Anyway - I thought it was fashionable to be a grumpy old woman.
    Love and hugs
    Beryl xx

  5. I think you are a very strong person Tess my friend you have all my admiration ... so don't worry about letting off steam now and then... we all have to do that.
    Reading your blog makes me very aware of my own moaning, mainly about too much weight. This is really not important in the scheme of things and I will try to stop it, thanks to you.
    Hoping the rainbow today helped make things look brighter.
    All my love to you both as always xx

  6. Lots of hugs and positive vibes Tess. No apologies are needed and it is good to share your inner most feelings with your friends on here.
    Your two lovely grandchildren are your tower of strength along with your family. Keep on, keeping on, we are supporting you every step of your journey. As for being a 'grumpy old woman' I am certain that is not the case.
    Love and hugs as always
    Christine xxx

  7. I agree with all the above Tess - you are an amazing person, but you are also human. You're entitled to feel like this sometimes, and days like these are one of the ways you cope by letting the negative feelings out. Those gorgeous children are such a blessing. Love to you all.
    Ann x

  8. Sterner Stuff!!! Poof! Tess i am sure i would have crumbled by now in your situation, YOU are entitled!!
    Glad you are feeling a bit better now.
    Hugs as always
    Jennie J